☆ shit ive seemed to notice about my memories ☆

the following post contains mentions of me overthinking. probably some sort of suicidal mention there too. please proceed with caution!!
some stuff has been omitted as i tend to overshare. nobody needs to know my entire life story lol
i dont know why ive been so much more sensitive recently, but oh well.

earlier this year, i found that one of my friend's friends on tumblr softblocked me from their blog (they blocked me, then unblocked me later on). at first, i thought, "maybe they don't like minors on their account...?", but i remembered they had interacted with me before in the past, one time in 2021 and one time in 2022. maybe they set a new boundary about that recently, but my paranoia invaded my mind faster than that thought.
ive been trying to find a new special interest for a while, and i wanted to get into something my friend was into, but seeing as the person who softblocked me seems uncomfortable with me, it deterred me away. im scared to lose my friend. ive not been drawing much because of it.

actually, that reminds me of something. for a while now, ive been self-conscious of my relationships between my friends. i seem to have a tendency to get really, really attached to my friends, and i seem to get really, really overly furious if i find that someone has hurt them. that was what happened a few nights ago: i blew up at one of my friends for something that happened between another friend, only to find i misunderstood what happened entirely because i let my anger get the best of me. i felt so fucking bad...
i have a thing where im so scared to lose my friends that i literally Wont interact with anyone because the thought of being abandoned and hurt scares me so much. why i feel like that is something i dont know, im used to this happening anyways!! it's what a worthless [r-slur] like me deserves after all, right...?

with all of this... siobhan seems to be the most helpful as of recent. theyve been there for me. they were there for me when i was dealing with gremlin, they were there for me when i was defending my friends, they were there to calm me down when i found gremlin manipulated one of my friends. siobhan, if you see this, thank you so much... i appreciate you a lot...

for anyone else who's reading this, expect me to be on here on and off. as you can see im not doing well. im sorry.
i'll be okay i think. i'll keep surviving for yall.

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posted on aug 4th '23 @ 01:47 BST (updated nov 7th '23 @ 20:26 GMT)